I’ve been meaning to attempt to write down my last 6 months so that it could be useful to the body of Christ, and really whoever, that may hear about it. It is October 27th at 8:40 in the morning, 2011 when I started this (though I’m just now finishing it November 29th). My year long internship as an outreach staff intern ended basically the 1st of May this year. That makes almost 5 whole months. Lets talk about that.
“Transition”. Flippin A - I grew to hate and love this word recently. In order for you to understand my beef with transition, and my last 6 months, I need you to know some basic things about me.
1.) I’m a doer. Like Ricky Bobby. I’ve always been. It’s how I’ve approached life and my walk with God. I feel like the majority of us are - but I could be wrong.
2.) I’m capable and disciplined - which is both a product of and a reason for my “doing” approach to life. And though I’ve been refined enough to fight it, hide it, control it (ironically), this capability and “doing” mentality in many ways makes me go control freak on what I can - most especially myself and my circumstances.
3.) Quite similar to #2 - I can’t stand flying blind. I have this urgent need to see what lies in front of me so I can plan, so I can begin to control it. That is why, in my little five-foot-nothing chevy cavalier, I refuse to stay behind a car with a big tail end - if you know what I mean, because then I can’t see anything further down the road. It’s for the same reason that I feel most clear headed, most alive, when I am standing on top of a mountain or a building overlooking all the rest of the surrounding area. So I want to know what I’m going to be doing next week. One of my most common questions is “what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?”
4.) Since God completely wrecked my life (aka completely turned it around and gave me everything I could ask for in life and in a love relationship with Him) I underwent some big changes in my life. And those big changes had been accompanied with direction beforehand. Almost a year before I graduated college, I felt quite clearly that God had told me I was going to China afterwards. Before I went to China I felt pretty confident that Dad wanted me to come back and invest in the Wesley Foundation after China. And about 8 months into the China trip that confidence was confirmed. And so I came back to China. Thus in both of these large changes in my life, I was led beforehand by a confidence that it was what God was leading me into. And that is the way I like it. I expected the pattern to carry on to my next big transition as well.
Now having heard all that, you should hopefully have a better understanding about where I am coming from when I share the rest of this - and it may help explain why I sound like a big baby in the middle of this story.
I came back from China July 3rd of 2010 (the day before my Mom’s birthday - surprise!!!) and started my internship at the Wesley Foundation in August - as a staff intern for the outreach ministry (why I was placed on outreach ministry is a whole other God story - and maybe a more important one - but one that must be told at another time). The year was fantastic and the perfect next step from having been through the China experience. And like so much of the last few years it rushed by with the ferocity of a wildebeast - (yup). And like everyone else it wasn’t long before I was being faced with the question of “What the heck am I going to do after this year?” Well, God gave me some AWESOME direction as far as what I’ll be doing in 5 years and also what I would be doing in 10 to 15 to 20 years, BUT He neglected to put in the memo what I was going to be doing NEXT. Uh Oh. So I sat there. And freaked out a little. For a while. I had been through a lot, and I was confident that God had some plan for me. I had never seen him let me down before this. And I didn’t think He was going to start dropping the ball now. Nonetheless, I received no clear direction about my immediate future. Like the majority of the interns there, I was asking myself the question - “Do I stay a second year in this incredible cohesive community of Christ-filled unity and intimacy? Or do I move on and take up a more traditional job and start making a paycheck?” I sat on that one for a hard while. But eventually I felt quite confident that the next step should be moving towards a more traditional job. A job made more sense with the dreams that God had given me later on. And I just felt like it was time to move on to a more secular environment and be amongst more people who weren’t already saturated with Christ love.
So I began the process of looking for a job. Yup, that rat race fiesta of fear and anguish. I learned a new walk and a new talk. I crafted and re-crafted a freaking resume - gosh I hope those things have no place in New Jerusalem. I spent 4, 6, 8 hours a day filling out applications, researching industries, businesses, writing cover letters, preparing for interviews that came around far too sparingly. There was no rest in my spirit during these days. I could find no sweet spot between putting myself out there trying with all my diligence to get a job and at the same time trusting in the Lord. How does one rest in the Lord, when in order to be faithful and diligent in the place he is at, he has to work hard to market himself every day?
On top of that, like many tough transitions, I ended up living back at my parents place. This was the first time really living back there since beginning my freshman year of college, so it was incredibly tough to put myself back into the environment that I hadn’t been subjected to in over 5 years. But I didn’t have much choice in the matter. I had no money saved up - I had been living off of the Chinese Renminbe for over a year - and trust me, that does not go far in the States. So I could not afford a rent check. I went back home without being able to tell my parents when I would be able to afford to leave. It was tough for them, but definitely more so for me. I felt like a failure, a mooch, and a drain on my family. All I could offer them were my hopes for when I might get a job - and the evidence that I was indeed searching diligently. A month passed. Two months. Three and four months. I received call backs. Went to job interviews, and either didn’t get the job or didn’t want the job. There was one tough incident in which I had gotten the second interview and it looked like if I wanted it I could probably get the job - it was with a leading medical technology and services provider and it was a fairly good position. However, I called them back within twenty minutes of the second phone interview and told them I wasn’t interested. Because, in my heart I felt like such a job, though it would pay well and start me in a solid company, would simply suck the life out of me. When I told my mother, I could tell it hurt her. And scared her. Neither her nor dad were home during the many hours I put into my job searches during the day (yeah, because they were at work) - and so they really had to just trust that I was diligently searching.
I was struggling. June and July I was willing and able to put in 6 hours a day pretty easily during the week. But by the time August and September came around, I was hurting, discouraged, and strained. The fear of failure, the weight of uncertainty, and the restlessness of my position were robbing me of strength. I found myself being short with people for no reason. I felt my intimacy was God was slipping away in the face of an ongoing SOMETHING. I didn’t even know. I saw myself trying to escape from the situation into old books - Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones - genres I hadn’t read in four years. Recognizing that I was just trying to escape, I refused to read any more, and concentrated on the Lord - but still the underlying fear, frustration, and uncertainty made me feel like I was behind a glass wall.
July and August for me felt like the embodiment of Paul’s words:
“We have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2nd Cor 4:7-9
I felt hard pressed. But I could not completely forget all that God had done for me and brought me through. I even felt crushed. But I still had breath to call out to God if even only in desperation and terror. I was perplexed. Despair felt like it had laid eggs inside me and they were hatching - and yet my eyes were still looking to the Lords eyes - like a hurting son to his Father, silently waiting and hoping for Him to make things better, to say something, to do something. I felt struck down, tied down even. But I knew He was still moving. I may be imprisoned. But my Father, my Lord was as free as ever and would not let me linger longer than he wanted to allow me to.
Maybe I learned patience for the first time in my life.
I accepted a position as a waiter in a diner near my house. I had never waited tables before. It was not a comfortable place for me. I didn’t belong there. My soul was pretty tormented by much that was said and went on. Nonetheless I was thankful to have any job - even knowing that this was not the next real step that God had for me, just an interim place for me to be whatever God wanted me to be there. It was alleviation and at the same time an aggravation of the turmoil of the last few months. I had a degree, and a calling from God, and such a history of Him changing me and molding me and making me better than I could ever have been by myself. And yet I was working at a high school kind of position. I felt like Joseph in prison - out of place and yet thankful and waiting on the Lord; and at the same time, torn and broken.
Finally on Sunday August 14th I broke down. It was in the back of Northgate Church in Woodstock, GA. Worship was already going on when I walked in - and I don’t know what I expected to happen. I went to the back, closed my eyes, preparing to worship - and all of a sudden I just doubled over, crying uncontrollably. I hit the ground, curled into a ball and just sobbed and heaved and sobbed for twenty minutes straight. In the midst of that - God gave me a vision of Him standing and holding a little boy in his arms as the boy cried and cried. The boy was me. And this dialogue took place:
Me: It wasn't what I thought it was going to be Daddy. I wasn't expecting this wait and this terror and weakness and uncertainty and pain.
Lord: I know. I know, My son.
Me: I was expecting a golden road with golden doors and a procession of angels to go before with trumpets to herald the way and for the way to be quick and clear to money and honor and favor.
Lord: I know.
Me: But it hasn't been. Oh Lord. Damn these expectations. Damn these expectations. Damn them.
Lord: Nonetheless I hold you. There was so much pride to strip from you right now son. So much. So much humility to cleanse and clothe you with, though there would of course be pain in such things.
Me: You've always had everything given to you, Sean. Everything you could just earn and open to yourself and keep to yourself. Always relied on yourself and your gifts to get through and expected it to always be the same, damnit.
Wisdom and Comfort: It may not necessarily get easier now Sean. That's what YOU would normally expect. but this is deep and must sink deep and sure if it is to remain - and it must remain!
Lord: You were a boy in My arms - always remember that Sean; just a little boy.
Me: ...frightened and scared and helpless.
Body of Christ and Saints and Angels: Majesty, majesty. You grace has found has found me just as I am. Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Me: Oh God.
It was twenty to thirty minutes in the back of a church.
Such a moment changed nothing and changed everything. When I left I was in the exact same situation as when I came to it. I got few job offers. I didn’t have any solid leads at the moment. I didn’t have a job. I was living at my parents. And I had no money with which to help out my family. Bitter sweet as ever - and yet it was like I didn’t even care about the bitterness anymore.
I was in God’s arms. Really I always was. But this reminder hit all the way to my core. And I no longer thought as if I weren’t in His arms.
He had shown me that I had had such expectations for how my life was supposed to look at that time - and they had all been broken. And he showed me how those broken expectations had been holding me back from experiencing Him.
I was a scared little boy, small and scared. But I was in His arms.
For the first time in 5 months, I was able to rest in my soul. To be at peace. To feel peace. Oh God, how I had missed such rest - such life.
Like Wisdom said in the dialogue, none of my external circumstances changed for me over the next few weeks. In fact I had less job leads than ever in those weeks.
But I had peace now. And trust.
In the second to last week of September, I got a random call from the wife of one of the men I worked closely with at the Wesley Foundation that last year. She told me about a job offer with a Christian South Korean couple who owned and operated a small Wing Franchise in Atlanta. She had worked closely with them before and they asked her to find someone they may be able to trust.
I submitted a resume. Had a phone interview. Had a face to face interview at one of their locations and sampled their products. I really enjoyed myself, liked the couple, thought well of the product. That day, just before arriving at the interview location, I saw the most gorgeous rainbow in the sky. That night, after the interview, I asked the Lord to show me another rainbow the next day if he wanted me to pursue a job with them. It was completely overcast the next day. Completely. All day. And sure enough I saw a real rainbow. A real one.
I called the owners back and let them know I was interested in a position. We negotiated an offer. I accepted, and started work the last week of September. I have been working there for nearly two months, and I can see how it lines up perfectly with that God has called me for a few years later on from now.
I share this with you all in case the word “transition” is as loaded a word for you as it is for me.
