What is the purpose of this blog. Overflow. This is the first year of my life, that I have felt inundated with love and joy for others. I never knew I could feel this way. A desire to pour healing, and truth, and peace, and forgiveness into people. I wish I could just grab a person by the soul, rip off the lid, and hold them there while I heave out this river of life into their being, until they feel as full and free as I've had to feel. If I could actually do this: things would be simple. You would be walking along to class one day, and then all of a sudden you would see me run by shouting "HEY YOU" and pointing as I chase down some frightened pagan, to catch them, and regurgitate love all over them in the soul realm. And then you would see me start running and pointing after another person, as the first person gets up singing psalms. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. Humans do not work this way. We are a broken people who have to be taught by the Holy Spirit how to be loved; how to receive the things that are real, truthful, and good. And God does not work this way either. He does not force us. He does not overpower us and force us to receive His love. God waited for me. Wooed me. Protected me. Watched me. Invited me. Helped me. Waited for me more. Spoke to me. Saved me. And now that I'm His, He continues the process. But as I look back on it, as I read the Bible, as I talk to my Husband, I wonder and guess at it all. About how I could feel, and be, destined for Him and yet still know that I chose Him. Overpowered by Him, but not raped. Its all very mysterious. But I am actually on a side trail right now; so I'm going to pull a 'chutes and ladders' and slide my way down to where I'm suppose to be. And I end up at this idea: In my weak, fleshly, imperfect self I have tasted now the pain of wanting to love somebody but not being able to: to have the joy and love of Christ flowing in me so much that I have a tremendous pain to get it out and share it with those who need it: and yet I cannot do so, because they cannot receive it. And today, I have a new thought: God has this burden of love to share. His is far greater. His love infinitely more pure and powerful. His desire infinitely more powerful. And yet He still does not break form and protocol. He still does not rape. He is so gentle. He is so patient. So self disciplined.
If sometimes I hurt for the love I long to share; how must be the feelings of God, this Source of all love?
Anyways, that is my thought for today.
I want to finish with this, lest you think I confuse myself with Super Christian. I am so fleshly. I've tasted more of love and joy than I ever dreamed I would. I have it in me - joined with me through the living Spirit - the God who never leaves me. And yet sometimes I can lock up that river of love and hold it back with such deathlike coldness. Case in point: my heart burns for my friend who practices homosexuality. Somehow God has enabled me to open my heart and love towards him like he is my own brother. I see him as my brother. And yet, a coworker of mine from the UGA bookstore, who is victim to the same sin; I can barely open my mouth around him, I'm so offended. I don't understand this yet.
I love you
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